I NEED to lose weight... But I WANT coke dammit!!!! Why must Coca~Cola be my crack.

I mean at least the real coke would help me lose weight. This one just teases me with it's ice cold can and sugary goodness. I am a slave to it, I tell you! Everytime I open the fridge, I hear Calle Ocho by Pitbull.. "you know want me..." (there is more to that sentece, but it's reggaeton and I have to make it up because seriously, I don't think that is even spanish).

I had heard that your metabolism drops as you get older. Like a fuckin rock. and it's tryin to take my ass and boohbahs right along with it... So what is a girl who forged a dr.s note through four years of high school to avoid PE to do? Join a gym, of course.

Insert fiasco here.

I HATE hate HATE the gym. Despise the smell, the look, the people. It's like the goodwill to me, I shudder when I go in... (there is nothing wrong with the goodwill per se, it just gives me bad childhood memories- that goodwill smell causes flashbacks)

Soooo. I don't know how to operate the weight machines, I don't have enough stamina to run on the treadmill- I mean I could, but I always end up looking like a fish out of water gasping for air and flopping around.

What's a girl to do.... Group Fitness! Zumba! Surely I can ZUMBA. You Tube it- embedding video is way past beginner blogger skills. I used to dance. DANCE. Dance. I can ZUMBA, dammit!

I can't Zumba.

Someone get me a coke.

I WANT to keep everything here titled in the Needs vs. Wants format- however I NEED and WANT to share random conversations with my 3 year old.

Conversations with my 3 year old, or with my two year old will be a regular feature. Hopefully, it will be the only time I ever break from the wants vs. needs. Everyone Needs a gimmick....

For security purposes, we shall call them princess (3yr old), and prince (2yr old), unless it is a combined effort from them and then I shall just refer to them as Crash Test Dummies.

Mommy: Princess, why are you getting on my nerves? Prince isn't getting on mommy's nerves.

Princess: Well mommy, me and prince are taking turns.

I WANT to get some sleep, but I NEED you to get the hell off of me first.

Ladies and Gentlemen, welcome to my blog. It's about sex and unemployment. For unemployment see below- for sex stay right here. Please note- it's not porn, it's a complaint form.

I appreciate the effort you have put forth recently. It's good, better than it has been in a minute. We been rollin together for 11 years- it happens. I must admit when you came ambling over smelling of beer, I figured I was in for the usual Saturday night special- and as you know- I was none to excited at the prospect. I believe my first comment was " you have a hangnail". But alas, it was not to be- I must have been looking extra fine in my heather gray old navy nightie- you know the one- it screams comfort with a tad bit o'lace trim to say I am not completely sloppy.... because you put forth a mighty effort baby- and I love you for it.

However-

After ____ times, a lady gets tired and sore. No fun no more. After a while, it doesn't matter what circus acts you are puttin on, I'm good. Again, please don't think I am knocking the extra special shake you put in your shimmy, mama was just done. P.s. Nice way to use the shadows. Yeah, I saw that.

Unemployed sex is nice. You don't have to get up in the morning.

I WANT to tell unemployment to go to hell. I NEED someone to answer the phone first.

Today marks the 9th day I have wasted T-mobile minutes (that I haven't paid for and will soon be cut off from- thanks EDD!) trying to get someone on the phone at the unemployment department. I know some of you are saying 9 days- that's nothing, and according to some of the horror stories, it really is nothing... but I am an impatient bitch and this is about me.

If you need help answering the phones, let me know. I need a job. I am about to dial in the vietnamese line and make strange noises until you ask me something in English and then I will yell aha! and force you to speak with me.

Instead, I utilized your email system. Which sucks as well. But doesn't have 30 minutes of infomercials for EDD that you sit through-press a button and die by disconnection- Then- after starting over, listen to you tell me things I already know again for 30 minutes BECAUSE BELIEVE ME I CHECKED ONLINE BEFORE CALLING.. before electrobitch say too many people want to talk to me so you will have to starve, go without electricity, and lose your house. Please try again later. Goodbye. Insert automated snicker here.

I can't believe that I have paid into this system for the last 15 plus years. If you are looking for money from me, you can dial me 32 times a day, call my mother, family and friends, send me nasty letters and scar my credit history so that when I do manage to score a job, I fail the credit check and they rescind their offer- but when I am looking for money from you, you are unavailable like that "friend" who owes me a cool grand. Side note: "friend"- I want my money. and people on welfare- where I am soon to be- get to sue for free because court fees are waived for broke folks- so watch out- ... I digress....

5 days later, I get a response. Umm- Dear Unemployed with hungry children, you worked a TEMP job, and even though you reported your earnings right and proper, (don't ever not do this, you will regret- even if you had to do it because it was lie or lose your home) we determined you made to much for the month and suspended your claim.... even though we KNOW the job was temporary, please go back to start. PS. We are sorry you were unaware but we would have told you if you would have called in to ask.

Where did I go wrong? This shit is like calling 911 and being put on hold.